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 "HotShot" Hark Denars

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Soap
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PostSubject: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Wed Dec 16, 2009 7:48 am

Name: Hark Denars

Nickname/ Codename: HotShot

Sex: Male

Age: 28

Affinity: Resistance Fighter

Face claim: ~here~

Powers/Abilities/Weapons etc: Hark is a good tactitian and a heavy soldier. He wears power armor which allows him to carry heavy stuff like a gatling gun. The gun is belt fed from a giant armored backpack.~pic~ Hark is heavily armored.

History/Description: Hark was 22 when he heard of the shot.



Uniform/Appearance: Hark wears the power armor but paints it black with a white skull and two daggers painted to cover the whole torso armor. The Armor is also noticable with the blue eye plates and the a thin glowing blue line going down from the nose to the mouth. His armor also has this cape like thing hanging between his legs with a red cross on it. Hark is a strong person with some what super strength which allows him to carry a lot of equipment and his gatling gun. ~pic~

Personality: Hark is a kind person.
Codeword: EDITED BY ADMIN


Last edited by XxReaperxX on Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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Claypoole
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Allegiance : Free Lance Mercenary. Mainly Crimson Cartel

PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:09 pm

What kind of Gatling gun is it? And what are the specifics of the power armor? Weaknesses, I see no weaknesses. First thing right off the bat.

Your history is insufficient btw, and I'm iffy on the personality.
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Soap
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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 1:40 am

Sorry I had writers block for a moment and i was sending ideas to Sharpnel on AIM and we argued about weaknesses and stuff. Could you help by spamming ideas to me cause i have been getting writers block.
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Katsa
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Allegiance : Super soldier with the army working with the government for now.

PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 4:13 am

For your weaknesses, here are some ideas:

1- You say that you has something like super strength but you don't limit how much you can lift. Right now your bio is implying that you can lift any amount of weight. You must be specific.

2- The body amour you say you use does not seem to have any weak points or possible points of entry. Is it possible to dent it or maybe even blow something off it? Is it possible for swords or bullets to penetrate it and if so is it only a particular type of metal that can do that or can any metal do it with the right amount of force?

we also need to know what that amour allows you to do and how exactly it protects you. Such as the question of wether is uses force fields or if it has grenade launchers and so on. Keep in mind that your abilities have to remain fair for that other players. you can not dominate completely. that why we have weaknesses and so on.

use these tips and you will be rping in no time Very Happy Razz cheers

I also agree with Claypoole. your personality and history could use a little work.

Quote :
personality: Hark is a person you dont wann make mad. He is one of those people who would mess something up when you make him mad. He is not a people person because of his years before the resistance. Hark is also a emotional person when it comes to his family and his best friends on the reisitance. Hark is a kind person with his quirks. Thats something you cant blame him for. He will always try to solve a fight without the force.

what quirks? why don't we want to make him mad? mess what up if you make him mad? emotional how? we need some more info so that we can understand you better. right now you seem like a bit of a mystery man. lol Cool

if it seem like we are picking on you then i am here to tell you that we are not. once all these are up to scratch it makes it easier for you and the other players to understand each other and interact with each other. Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:59 am

Thanks Guys this has been real helpful! This is like one of the best forums i been to! All so friendly
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Emma Ashton
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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:31 am

That's great feedback to get from new members, we do try our best Smile

i just have one or two things i'd like to have cleared up though.

Just cause i'm really tired at the moment can you just confirm for me that your character has not had the Genesis shot? Ergo he does not have powers, instead opting for a super suit?

And this is just a little thing to help with keeping the plotline in line Razz If you look ~here~ you can see the extended plotline and it quite clearly states that the Genesis shot was only invented 3, or 4 at the most years ago. This means your parents could not of been supers as the Genesis gene does not activate by itself naturally in a human. It also means you could not of gotten your powers until you were 25 at the earliest, if your character has powers that is, The council of 12 and classmates were the first group to be activated. However if you still wish to have the Vendetta against Judah for taking your parents you could say that he ordered a building to be destroyed as he had received Intel that one of the council of 12 were in there. The Intel was false it turned out but Judah had by then ordered the building to be blown up. Judah found out about his mistake afterward and to cover his arse he blamed the massive lose of innocent life on the Resistance. That could be the reason why you joined the Resistance, and why you soon after went and injected yourself with the Genesis shot when the Resistance raided a lab (if you want powers that is)

Ok so my imagination went off on a massive tangent there but you get my idea. Please change your app so that is has been fixed up like Claypoole and Katsa have said, and please also edit so that your character's story fits in with the plot of the site Smile Oh and just as a little etiquette thing can you please also change your app so that instead of stretching the board with your pictures, you just give the link to the image. eg:

[url= "Link to image location" ] ~Linky~ [/url]

And just because i like to be picky, please also try and extend the length of your powers description and edit your personality so it is a little less vague. Razz

Oh and don't forget to request your face claim ~here~.

xoxo Emma

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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:56 am

Thanks. This is what i dont like about me. Every time i try something new i always dont do things to the standard people set and also for the great idea! No Shot which = POWER SUITS!
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Katsa
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Allegiance : Super soldier with the army working with the government for now.

PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:48 am

yep sorry i forgot to mention those points Emma. Anyway Reaper, once you have done that then we can see about approving you character. have fun, lol. Very Happy Razz

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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:42 pm

Yup. Remember power armor can lower your dexterity, it can really narrow how much you can see, it can make you slow, it can make you so heavy you can't walk over all types of stuff, armor can be bullet proof yet not stab proof, it could have poor ventilation and so fire and smoke could be deadly, it could be not NBC proof and so chemical, biological, or radiation could be deadly... Power limitations could make it where you can only work in the suit for a set amount of time before it shuts down... power core could be unstable... power armor could be a prototype and so it has a bunch of bugs... It takes a long time to get in and out... armor piercing ammunition like sabot kinetic energy penetrators and tungsten carbide and the like can get through.... blunt weapon damage instead of melee/bullet/explosive damage causes the armor to come in and hurt you... your armor is brittle and while it can stop all sorts of bullets it can steadily be broken down, or spall and so it becomes shrapnel that hits you... Your armor could be really vulnerable to overpressures somehow from explosions meaning HE weapons don't need to quite hit or penetrate to hurt you inside of the armor. Your armored ammunition backpack might be prone to jamming under certain times, or is easy to break so it doesn't work even if its not easy to make explode...

Also, the chaingun should be between a handgun caliber or 5.56x45, 7.62x39, and 7.62x51 caliber. I would much prefer you not choose 7.62x51 caliber.
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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:41 am

opps Emma i didnt see the time it was created sorry :p
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Emma Ashton
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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Mon Jan 04, 2010 11:42 am

Heyo Soap. Ok so now that i've had a chance to look again at your app, i'm fairly certain it has decreased dramatically in length, am i right?

At the current length you have it your app shall not be approved.

For your powers dont just say you wear a power suit. Use detail and examples so that we all have some idea of how powerful the suit is. eg.

it lets you jump so high you can leap a 3 story building. It comes with a jet pack that allows short burst of flight for about 5 min or so. gears built into the suit dramatically increase your strength so that you can bend steel. The helmet comes with night vision. etc.

Basically in the powers section is where you can go into a huge amount of detail about the finer points of your suit. You don't have to be super specific about what type of ammo you use, just give the types of guns you would use. eg. assault rifle, hand gun, rocket launcher etc. You could also talk bout how you may have upgraded your weapons yourself so that the mags are larger hence hold more rounds, or you can develop a unique type of bullets for your gun which explode and spray acid everywhere on impact.

You have alot of freedom with what your suit can do and thus you can see why the amount of detail you use in your app is so important. Without this detail other members of this site would be very confused as to what exactly you are able to do.

There are some restrictions i must place on you though. The suit must have a weakness. You are not allowed to be all powerful. Maybe your suit could have a small spot in between your shoulder blades where if it's hit, the suit shuts down. Or maybe it overheats if you do to many strenuous things too quickly. Or maybe the joints of the suit have a habit of locking up. Whilst tedious, coming up with a weakness is necessary. Other members need to be able to have some chance against you in a fight.

As for the history. 9 words is not nearly enough. You need at least 2 good sized paragraphs, i would hope you would get up to 3 or 4. The history section is where members learn more about the reasons why your character is the way they are. Without a history your character is just a plain 2D cartoon and many will find it practically impossible to rp with you on an in depth level as no one will have much of an idea what to say.

Your history is where you can establish connections with other members without having to go through the tedious introductions. Below is a good example of a history. Not only does Alyss manage to convey the important details about where she is from and what happened early in her life, but she also manages to give us a clue of her personality and the types of relationships she tends to form. She then goes on and establishes a history with Judah Marshall and lets us all clearly know her position in the rp world. I hope yours would be in depth as this but it is alright if it is not up to the same standard. Alyss is a very experienced rper and one of the best on this site Smile

Quote :
Born and raised in Cork, Ireland she migrated to America, with people constantly noticing her different accent. She lived with her parents until 16, when she was given the shot. On learning that she had the Genesis gene she became 'higher' than her parents and decided to go and live in the Genesis compound.

When in school, she was always very clever and passed her exams with flying colours, without much effort. She would always be top of the class and usually very popular amongst her year. She came from a very rich oil-tycoon father so she never went without anything. Still today when she is with Genesis she is set to inherit her families millions.

Now in this day and age she is loyal to Judah, happy for him giving her the powers she always wanted. But having been asked by the leader, she is inside the resistance, fighting with them and against them at the same time. Her inner demon keeps her loyal to him, because he will always supply her with blood.

Her cravings started a few months after the shot, when she killed a man on the street and drank his blood, realizing at last what she finally was. Vampire.

As for your uniform/appearance. This section is ok, just brushing above the minimum requirements. You can leave it as is, or if you want to you could go into a bit more detail. Perhaps you could describe what Hark actually looks like, not just describe the suit. What eye color does he have, does he have any scars, hair color, etc.

Your personality is like your history. 5 words is definitely not enough. below is the personality for Gregory. He is also a very experienced rper and so this example is to a very high standard. Yours does not have to be this good, but i would like it if you could explore some of the things he does. eg Hark's sense of right and wrong. Likes and dislikes. Quirks, etc.

Quote :
As said before, the serum changed Gregory forever, or pulled out what was inside all that time. Gregory is completely unpredictable, but when he's kind of ''normal'' then he is a scientist who works on inventions to solve problems. The problem he solves mostly is the Resistance, but truly, he doesn't care either way. He's on the governments side because they feed him, and he lives in his Department. He's smart, likes to joke around, and seems to be able to understand a lot. He helps people when he thinks he even should, and talks a lot. Gregory is impulsive though, and has been seen having all sorts of items on his head, from his fedora and his sunglasses to steel pots and pillows. People wonder if he pretends to be weird because he can pull it off, or if he's just a complete madman.

Being a true Russian at heart, Gregory is an admirer of Marx and although he easily sees the flaws of Communism, loves the ideals and the goal of it. Speaking of which, Gregory loves the sound of bagpipes, and is a true relentless fanatic about one thing. Explosions. People easily bring their palms to their faces when they see Gregory is a true supergenius, but wastes most of it on creating explosions. The Government however, sees the benefit in this and gave him full creative freedom, be it deeply below the ground's surface. The story goes that when they was a shoot-out going on, and Gregory created a huge explosion with one of his custom made grenade shells. He stood there, shouting and watching his own ''creation'', while even a rookie sniper could have taken his life those moments.

Fix these things up like i have suggested and you'll be approved in no time Smile

Oh and sorry it sounds like i'm picking on you so much, i'm not mad at you, i just want the site to maintain the quality it's at. This means sometimes i have to be a bit heavy handed when it comes to character approvals, but if i wasn't then the site would die down to 1 word posts and majority of the members, myself included, would leave Smile

xoxo Emma

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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Mon Jan 04, 2010 2:46 pm

(Awww, thanks Em Very Happy)

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PostSubject: Re: "HotShot" Hark Denars   Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:28 am

Soap and i have had a conversation via pm and he has told me that unfortunately he doesn't have the time to come on this site, so, with his approval i have moved his app over here until such a time that he has time in his life to come back to Genesis, if he so wishes Smile

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